Stupid Tired

Can someone please tell me why my toddler won't sleep? Sure, he stopped sleeping through the night at the age of 1 - but why is it he now has decided to stay awake for 2-3 hours each night? He isn't napping anymore, isn't he tired? I'm tired. Stupid tired. Want-to-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-tired. Don't-really-like-anyone-tired. First to go is that damn toddler bed. It's cute but a pain in the ass. I think it's too small. If I get him a twin bed and he still doesn't sleep - I'm pulling a "ya-ya". People have been warned.

My Own Mortality

My friend, Elle, just lost a dear friend to cancer. A woman I've known for 7 years, not closely but well enough to be considered a friend, was diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend, Therapist, just told me that her oldest & dearest friend is dying from cancer. My OB/GYN is so full of cancer that it's a wonder she gets up each morning. With all this, it makes you look at your life just a bit, since clearly, it can change drastically at any time.

Therapist told me that her friend has a little girl and it will fall to her (Therapist) to tell that little girl all about her mom. What her mom was like growing up, as a teenager, everything. How fortunate that this little girl has the Therapist to share all those memories with her. Not everyone does.

It made me think - who would tell my boys about me? Sure, my husband can tell stories about what he knows but who would be able to tell my oldest what I was afraid of at his age? And since I have this understanding with my husband that he's "not my girlfriend", who would tell the boys about all the fears and worries that I have? Is there anyone?

There is one person who can share my life with my boys from the age of 18 - Manager. I met her in college and we experienced so much together; good & bad. She was with me when I went through being so scared of college, meeting my first husband, going through the divorce and finding my husband. Not to mention everything inbetween. She knows my ins & outs probably better than most. So I called her the other day and told her this. Let her know that I was going to rely on her to share these memories with the boys. Let them know that I am human and so I was scared and worried and insecure and passionate.

By the way - I'm not dying. I have no fatal disease that I am aware of. However, with all the people around me getting sick, it made me have these thoughts.

After 20 Years

My 20th class reunion is this summer. And truth be known, I'm freaking out. Why? I really have no idea. Some of the few people I'm still in contact are organizing everyone to go onto highschoolforever.com so they can work the reunion through that. So, I'm going through, reading about what a few people have been doing and see a few pictures - seems okay. Therefore, I did what I normally do (now) and volunteer to help my old friend with some scanning. I rec'd the pictures yesterday. From the 10th Reunion (which I did not attend). The memories came flooding back and not in a good way. It's the oddest thing - I don't have many wonderful memories from high school. I have a lot, not all good. 20 years later, my main memory is that I wasn't well liked. And I'm a little freaked out about going back home to the reunion. What if my memories are true? What if most of them truly didn't like me. I'm looking 40 in the eye and my worries are from 20 years ago. Is that wrong? Now, honestly, I like me now. I'm a good person, I'm a little funny, I'm generous and I think I'm a pretty good friend. I have a wonderful circle of people that (seem to) really like me and want me around. I can talk to almost anyone now, can talk in front of crowds and am extremely organized and people actually want me to work on projects because I'm good at what I do.

So why am I so freaked? I think it's because I'm afraid (yes, afraid) that everyone is going to remember the "old" me and I'm going to have a miserable time. Oh, everyone tells you that after 20 years it's so very different and so much changes, blah, blah, blah, but I still feel a bit icky. The biggest thing for me is that I don't (now) let fear rule a lot of what I do and I don't want to let my fears of what happened 20 years ago affect me giving it a go. It's the onery part of me, I guess.

So at this point, I'm a little undecided. And increasing the freak out with each picture I scan for the reunion committee.....

Better Parent Now

My father always told me that I was the "trial kid". He reminded me that kids don't come with instruction manuals and sometimes, as a parent, you make mistakes. So when I would scream that my parents were always harder on me than my two younger sisters, he would just smile and say, "We screwed up with you so we're making it up to the other two". Didn't help. Ever. Nonetheless, I finally understand what he meant. It took me having the boys 10 years apart. I made so very many mistakes with my oldest boy. When he threw himself on the floor in a fit, I would try everything to show him that I loved him and that I didn't want him to cry and whatever he wanted, I would cave and give in. This has taught him that if he outlasts me, he wins. We've been working on that for 8 years. He still tries to outlast me.
When the youngest tosses himself on the floor, I walk away. Just the other day he insisted that he wanted something to play with - something like the toothpaste or an item that just wasn't a toy - and lost it completely when I took it away. Throwing himself on the floor, screaming at me to "come back here", I just walked away. Went on to do the laundry. Let me tell you, boy has some lungs on him. With the oldest, I would have gone in and talked to him. The youngest? I'm sorting clothes. Finally, it went quiet. He had stopped, came out of his room and was standing in front of the tv, watching a movie. The whole fit forgotten.

Now, you can take into account that the times were different before. That I was divorced, guilt-ridden, learning to be a single parent and now I'm a stay-at-home mom who has realized that they don't die when they are crying and tossing themselves on the floor. Does that make me a better parent now or just not as attentive?

My wonderful husband says I'm just a better parent. Of course, he doesn't hesitate to point out that I still don't parent both the kids the same. He claims that my relationship with the oldest is totally different and I don't always employ the "correct parenting techniques". Well, DUH! Of course my relationship is totally different with each kid... there is 10 years difference and a lifetime of experiences & mistakes in-between.

Then again.... maybe, subconsciously, I'm just trying to make it up to the youngest kid.

Productive

I think that I'm out of my organizational slump. Frankly, I was getting a bit worried. I don't normally forget things, am hardly ever late with a card or gift and manage to keep my paperwork piles to a minimum. However, since work has ceased for me, I can't manage to get anything done. It's a little creepy, actually. It's like the more time I have on my hands, the less I can get done. I'm frozen in time. Nonetheless, I think I have managed to break free. I have cleaned up several piles and completed several projects in the past 14 days. Amazing, really. Of course, it's easier when you're getting rid of all the junk that comes along with a previous job. No more little things for agents who no longer need my services. No more calendars and labels and stacks of papers. It's nice. Gives me a sense of completion. Husband likes it too. Now, if I could just manage to get this new career venture off the ground.

When is it Up to Them?

I'm the team mom for my oldest's basketball team. Actually, I do more than arrange the snack schedule and make people happy - I'm more of the team administrator. I organize the paperwork, the tournaments, the practice locations, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I send out all the emails to the parents so everyone knows what's going on and have managed to even organize a weekly "Mom's Night" so that the mom's can meet for a drink and a visit while the boys are at practice. All of this is the UP side. The DOWN side is that people talk to me way too much and give me their version of what they think needs to happen. One of the biggest complaints is that their son's playing time isn't as long as someone else's playing time and "we paid our money and show up to practice", and "I'm not taking him to practice anymore if he isn't going to play more", and "why does he (fill in the blank) play more even though he clearly has a temper?", blah, blah, blah. Now, let me preface this whole thing by saying that my son is a starter. Most of the time. However, he's busted his ass to get to this place. He loves this game, wants to be good at it and goes out, practices, leaves his guts on the floor and I'm proud of him. Next year they are going to want to play Jr. High ball and, as far as I see it, they are at the age where there are starters and there are those who relieve the starters when they need a break. I don't feel badly for those who don't play as much. Is that wrong? That I've become so uncaring about it? I honestly ask myself how I would feel if my son wasn't a starter or if he wasn't as strong as player and I truly feel that I would be sad but it is the way it is. Life isn't fair. They aren't 6 and they all don't deserve equal playing time. Those days are over and it just burns my ass that the parents actually are going to the coaches and requesting equal playing time. Are you shittin' me? I can't wait to see if they go to the Jr. High coach next year and complain that their kid didn't get enough playing time. My son wants to play ball. For real. It's where his passion is. He wants to go to camps and play in college and even play pro. This isn't something that is a sport to fill in during the time for his favorite sport. This is his favorite sport and the whining parent issue is just going to make me sick. How can our children learn that they have to make it on their own if they have their parents talking to the coaches?

Old Dog, New Tricks

I am venturing on a new career of sorts and it's scaring the hell out of me. I've been messing around the whole "sales" concept forever - always being in the sales support position but have managed to avoid becoming the actual sales part; until now. I have always been good at the customer service/relationship parts but was comfortable in just collecting my monthly salary and not trying to live on commission. The thought is making me ill. I have so many people around me who are supporting me and my success but what if I fail? What if I can't cut it and there is no business for the commissions? How long do I wait? How long do I try? I know, from my previous experiences, it takes about two years to build up a clientele and become fairly successful. I don't have two years. One deal a month and I'm happy but what if I fail? Urghhhh.... I am trying to be positive but inside? I'm terrified of failure.