Stupid Tired

Can someone please tell me why my toddler won't sleep? Sure, he stopped sleeping through the night at the age of 1 - but why is it he now has decided to stay awake for 2-3 hours each night? He isn't napping anymore, isn't he tired? I'm tired. Stupid tired. Want-to-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-tired. Don't-really-like-anyone-tired. First to go is that damn toddler bed. It's cute but a pain in the ass. I think it's too small. If I get him a twin bed and he still doesn't sleep - I'm pulling a "ya-ya". People have been warned.

My Own Mortality

My friend, Elle, just lost a dear friend to cancer. A woman I've known for 7 years, not closely but well enough to be considered a friend, was diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend, Therapist, just told me that her oldest & dearest friend is dying from cancer. My OB/GYN is so full of cancer that it's a wonder she gets up each morning. With all this, it makes you look at your life just a bit, since clearly, it can change drastically at any time.

Therapist told me that her friend has a little girl and it will fall to her (Therapist) to tell that little girl all about her mom. What her mom was like growing up, as a teenager, everything. How fortunate that this little girl has the Therapist to share all those memories with her. Not everyone does.

It made me think - who would tell my boys about me? Sure, my husband can tell stories about what he knows but who would be able to tell my oldest what I was afraid of at his age? And since I have this understanding with my husband that he's "not my girlfriend", who would tell the boys about all the fears and worries that I have? Is there anyone?

There is one person who can share my life with my boys from the age of 18 - Manager. I met her in college and we experienced so much together; good & bad. She was with me when I went through being so scared of college, meeting my first husband, going through the divorce and finding my husband. Not to mention everything inbetween. She knows my ins & outs probably better than most. So I called her the other day and told her this. Let her know that I was going to rely on her to share these memories with the boys. Let them know that I am human and so I was scared and worried and insecure and passionate.

By the way - I'm not dying. I have no fatal disease that I am aware of. However, with all the people around me getting sick, it made me have these thoughts.

After 20 Years

My 20th class reunion is this summer. And truth be known, I'm freaking out. Why? I really have no idea. Some of the few people I'm still in contact are organizing everyone to go onto highschoolforever.com so they can work the reunion through that. So, I'm going through, reading about what a few people have been doing and see a few pictures - seems okay. Therefore, I did what I normally do (now) and volunteer to help my old friend with some scanning. I rec'd the pictures yesterday. From the 10th Reunion (which I did not attend). The memories came flooding back and not in a good way. It's the oddest thing - I don't have many wonderful memories from high school. I have a lot, not all good. 20 years later, my main memory is that I wasn't well liked. And I'm a little freaked out about going back home to the reunion. What if my memories are true? What if most of them truly didn't like me. I'm looking 40 in the eye and my worries are from 20 years ago. Is that wrong? Now, honestly, I like me now. I'm a good person, I'm a little funny, I'm generous and I think I'm a pretty good friend. I have a wonderful circle of people that (seem to) really like me and want me around. I can talk to almost anyone now, can talk in front of crowds and am extremely organized and people actually want me to work on projects because I'm good at what I do.

So why am I so freaked? I think it's because I'm afraid (yes, afraid) that everyone is going to remember the "old" me and I'm going to have a miserable time. Oh, everyone tells you that after 20 years it's so very different and so much changes, blah, blah, blah, but I still feel a bit icky. The biggest thing for me is that I don't (now) let fear rule a lot of what I do and I don't want to let my fears of what happened 20 years ago affect me giving it a go. It's the onery part of me, I guess.

So at this point, I'm a little undecided. And increasing the freak out with each picture I scan for the reunion committee.....